You have to do what you want to do because You want to do it because you love it. And you have to do what you want to do HOW you want to do it.

That second part is the part so many people miss.

The problem is the thing we want to do is usually the thing that is so easy for us, that it doesn’t feel like work so we don’t think it can be that easy. So we abandon it for something harder.

***

I was drifting in and out of sleep. Bergen cuddled close to me. He had shown up — out of the blue and from no where in 2006. I had written Dolor and Shadow, and suddenly he was there right after the first draft. I had the rewrite the entire book just to put him in it.

Then he was writing the book for me.

I don’t know when he became my Alter. At some point, I was him. I remember it around 2011.

Although he no longer was me, and I was no longer sharing my body or my Mind with him, he was still there. As a part of me in my books only. Just as all of my other characters came and went upon my Summons —

“Do you really summon me, lass?”

— But with Bergen, we had history. A long, One-Of-A-Kind History that Psychologists would be pulling apart for centuries. The kind of History that leaves behind an endearing, sentimental value.

Bergen The Bard, Son of Tryggve, Ljosalfar and Prince of Gunir.

Pygmalion? Or Narcissus?

“Talking about me?”

“A bit,” I said. “I see a Story.”

“Of course you do.”

“Always.”

***

I was dressed in gowns of silver. A pale blue beneath the silver glistened beneath the Moon as I walked, barefoot, across the Courtyard.

The Fountain trickled silently as I made my way to the balcony, staring up at the Moon.

“And am I too a figment of Imagination?”

I closed my eyes knowing too well the Voice of my Imp King.

His Voice.

Did I even remember what he sounded like?

“I don’t remember the sound of your Voice anymore. I can’t remember it. I can’t recall the sound of your laugh.

I loved you so much. So so much… I trusted what we had so completely, I held nothing back and I put myself all in with you. It never once crossed my mind that it wouldn’t work out. It was beyond comprehensible to me. I didn’t doubt us even for a second.

So I loved you completely and without hesitation. And it feels like love like that can’t be broken or undone… And I can’t go on without you. I can’t.

I can’t “move on” or “get over” you. I can’t. I can’t replace you. I can’t give up on you. I can’t… It feels like left half of my heart with you. And I haven’t been the same since. And I don’t know what to do. It’s been a year since I’ve seen you last. And this year without you was the worst year of my life. And not being with you doesn’t feel right.

I trusted us and you so completely. I was certain — beyond a shadow of a doubt — that we would make it. So I loved you fully and completely without hesitation. It feels like you’re still holding half of my heart. And I have yours here with me. And I don’t know how to be someone who you can trust again or feel safe around again. My Love. I know it’s hard for you. I understand. I know it’s hard. I love you. I’m here with you. I love you.

It doesn’t feel like this is over. Not even a little bit. It just feels like you’re closed up and you’re stuck is all. And… I’m loyal to you. I’m sorry if that’s not what you want, but… You’re The One. Inside of you is very much the man of my dreams.”

I felt my heart crush in on itself. I felt it writhe. I learned a long time ago to just let it. I learned a long time ago to not fight it. In the moments when it needed to break and bleed, I had learned a long time ago to let it. It was the fastest way to get through the deepest pain of this grief.

It was the only way to survive it.

I learned a long time ago that resistance to the writhing made it so much worse.

I fell to the ground, clutching my chest, and I just let my heart break and die again.