I felt the stress and hell of 40 years just wash off of me.

The Imp King still stood. Listening to me.

“So there it is. I am afraid of Wishing for any Sexuality out of Fear that my Sexual Desires will harm you. And — until and unless — you are thawed out in your Feelings and Emotions, you won’t know — don’t know — what you do or don’t want.

But I have to be True to myself.

I want the Freedom to be who and what I am. And I want this for you. But when it comes to my body, touching my body, entering my body — at this time — I do not want anyone near me but you.

And I understand that we grow at different stages. And you may not be where I am. But — for me — There are the Stages of Intimacy, and what I value is the True Sexual Fruit of Intimacy. Not some Cheap knock off casual romp that leaves me unsatisfied.

That’s it. What I want is Deep Fulfilling, Sexual Satisfaction. And I now know, I can only have that with a Person who has walked all the Stages of Intimacy with me. And that — my love — is you.

I have A Defined Standard Metric of Quality in my Learning and Education.

I have A Defined Standard Metric of Quality in my Food and in my Nourishment.

I have A Defined Standard Metric of Quality in my Friends.

I have A Defined Standard Metric of Quality in my Clan and Kin.

I have A Defined Standard Metric of Quality in my Lover and Partner.

It isn’t “what you are” or “What you choose to be” that defines your Standard Metric. It is simply, “have you walked my Story with me through the Stages of Intimacy?”

And when you said to me, Juanito, “Let’s get to know each other,” that day… that was the first test passed. And when you said, “We will get through everything together,” You passed. And when you said, “No matter how many different relationships we go through, we will try them all until we find the one that works for us both.” You passed. And when you pushed me away, but you also couldn’t let me go, you passed.

And when you put your Texts on “Read” just for my Comfort… just to comfort me… to show me “I’m still here.” You passed.

And when you texted me in December to muster all of your strength to say, “I’m sorry… I should have… This is hard for me. You can text me here.” You passed.

You made it. You made it through all my Stages of Intimacy with me. No one has ever loved me as much as you. Because you are the only one who has ever even tried to walk through The Stages of Intimacy with me.

So now… I don’t want anyone in my bed but you.

…

But I really do want to be watched. 😉

So… I’m an exhibitionist. I LOVE Voyeurs. But I am only for you.

Because only YOU love me so much as to have walked all of this Story with me… And even when you couldn’t — even when you thought you couldn’t — My beautiful man. You still found a way. I wish I could kiss you.

This “X” Factor…

I felt it. I felt it that day on the beach. As soon as others started kissing me and touching me… They violated the “X” Factor. It was broken and gone…

I never wanted to cross that line. I never wanted to…

I didn’t. It was a violation of my Culture. And I wasn’t being Understood. It was “Outsiders” … Exoterics of my Culture who misunderstood what I was. What I am. And they kept taking my “X” and making it all sexual, but it wasn’t.

It was a kind of mockery of my Culture disgraced and dishonored by Outsiders of Lesser Minds. And their Ignorance destroyed the Beauty and Integrity of my World and what I was.

I felt it shift. The realization.

“Not anymore,” I said, and left the room.