I was sitting in my beautiful little Zen Garden, lotus pose, Meditating.

The World was quiet today. One of my team members was stranded in Kenya. I couldn’t help him. I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t get to him. All my Power and I still — STILL — couldn’t get to him.

I received an email from a… Fan?

“We need to talk.”

She had sent me that three weeks ago, but then nothing.

This morning I sent out another post. Chapter #20 of this book to be exact. She had messaged me again.

“We will talk soon.”

Immediately, I knew who she was.

She is one of the [Insert word here] who would receive me and train me. They would provide me with the answers and then “plug in to my power” but they were waiting for me to “finish cooking.”

Today was a slow day.

It was a “cooking” day.

I reached out into the Universe — Wrong Words. Try again.

“What is going on?” I asked.

“Who are you?” I asked to the Universe. “What are you?”

I couldn’t tell if I was supposed to step INTO it. If I needed to “OPEN” myself up to receive it for the Connection. If… I WAS it and needed to “Take the Controls” or if I needed to “Ask” it for… Something didn’t feel right about that last one.

I was stuck. I felt like I was the last one “in” on the joke and I wasn’t “getting it” and it was all at my expense… Only… it wasn’t. I was the Main Attraction. It was all for me. Like they were all… waiting for me.

So I meditated.

I slipped into the Next Dimension and opened my everything.

***

I never am to violate Logos.

I stood in a dark room of nothing. I was back with the Mirror where I talked often with the Oldest version of my Husband. I felt like a cloud was around me. Like I couldn’t break through a barrier. I needed to get to the 5th Dimension, but I was only at the Third.

I felt like I was — in The Queen’s Trial — Like this was a Tradition that every Queen must pass through to “graduate” and everyone was waiting for me on the other side with a Vast Party and  — My Imp King would be there. I just wanted him to be there. And…

I feel like I was in a Blue Bubble of Quiet. Removed from all of Time. Outside of the Logos.

And I still wasn’t being permitted to know the whole Truth.

For it would ruin my Trial that I had to pass.

“What am I to learn?” I asked. But no answer came.

It felt eerily quiet. Too quiet. And that quiet too was my test.

I needed to get to the 4th Dimension… But I wasn’t quite ready yet.

The Material Plane wasn’t feeling “real” anymore. It was feeling like…

In the Meta Plan, I was with one of my People in spirit who — my terrible miscalculation led to his suffering and fear. I wrote to him now.

Focus on what you can learn from it. Slow, deep breaths. Do not fear the Unethical. Over here as I’m looking for ways to help you, I am feeling crippling fear of how to guide you and what to say.

And then I saw your perspective. You look to me to guide you, But then, your Self-Authority is lost. And you have to stand by yourself even in Fear. Especially in fear.

Even though we have no funds and we are not succeeding at finding a solution, we both still have our Minds and Courage. I must practice Courage to lead you best I can and take full rsponsibility for the situation and sit with you through this. And you must claim your self-authority and focus on saving yourself. Especially if that means doing what we don’t want to do.

But most importantly standing by the Self in this and never betraying the Self in fear. This is a test. A horrible one for us both. I am seeing someone I care for suffer who was left in my care because I made a terrible mistake. And I choose to learn and have courage. You must stand by yourself and think for your Self-Authority and LEARN from that trial.

And then I realized it. While a Leader leads, the Follower chooses to Follow. Never follow Blindly. Never. Never give up. your own Self-Authority. Because, in the end, you still claimed your own Authority to Follow and choose someone else’s Judgment over your own. And Orchestra leader Synchronizes.

They provide the Rhythm to all keep in time to. They are not moving people mindlessly. The people must choose to Dance.

I broke. I fell to the floor, crying silently.

“I don’t know,” I sobbed softly, and I was in the next Dimension.

***

I was back on my ship. It was dark from the storm. I knew this place too well. It was my Sea of Self where I had lived for nearly 30 years, lost adrift in the Storm that tossed my ship about while I quaked in fear in the corner.

Not this time.  I looked out to the sea. No fear.

The wind was threatening and the clouds were black. No rain.

I felt like I didn’t care. I had no idea where I was. Only that I was lost again. At sea in another storm that threatened to toss me about. Only this time I threw myself into it and said, “Just do whatever to me.”

“Bring it.”

Yesterday, I was celebrating the end of my torment. Today, I was back in it. Worse than ever before. And I just didn’t care. I was tired of people making promises to me and then pinning my hopes and plans on what they say they’ll do… I need to stop pinning my plans on others. Never pin your plans on others.

Don’t do it. Lesson learned.

I didn’t know where I was. Today, it felt like I didn’t know who I was.

Had the whole thing been a Delusion, a Dream, and a Lie?

Was I really The Goddess and Mother Nature?

“Who am I?” I wanted to scream. If I wasn’t Mother Nature, then I wanted someone to step in and say so — I didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes, but also, I felt it. I knew who I was. My Husband was The God. Even when I may doubt myself, I could not ever doubt him or the Love I had for him. And in my Love for him, I knew me.

“Just get it over with!” I screamed at the wind and the storm. “I’m tired of waiting. I won’t break my Ethics! WE’VE BEEN THROUGH THIS! I DO NOT BREAK UNDER THREAT TO BETRAY MY ETHICS!”

I cried. I allowed the Low to hit me hard. This time, I didn’t even fall or collapse. I just stood in the storm and cried. I was too strong, too beaten, too TIRED of this process to not just go through the motions of it, which bored me now.

“DO YOU HEAR ME!” I screamed at the wind. “I’M BORED WITH IT NOW!” The Trials actually BORED me. What was I up to? 76… 77? I didn’t even know anymore. Today alone I practiced the 4th, I practiced the 5th, I practiced the 6th. I was moving fast into the 7th of 7th.

I wasn’t feeling the Growth of Joy that had been with me these past few days.

I wasn’t feeling my Imp King or the Universe.

I wasn’t even feeling the Waters of Math.

I had NO sense of Orientation. Like all things had been taking from me.

“Really?” I wanted to ask the Universe. “WHO ARE YOU!?” I screamed at it again.

Was it Sentient?

Was it Me?”

Was it my God?

Was it my Little Bitch?

Was I to command it or Control it? Was I to work with it as a Team? Was I to step into it? Was I to invite it in? Was it Me?

I felt my heart break and the storm throwing my ship about. Ripping my sails. And I didn’t care. I was bored with it all.

***

I opened my eyes. It was quiet. I was inside the next story.

“What do you want to be real?”

I feel like I had to choose my real.

“I love Earth,” I said. “I love the people there. I love being there. I don’t want it to be a Delusion. I want it to be a Playground. I don’t want to quit it. I want to turn it into the Garden that I know it is.

Why… Why did people never see her beauty for what she is while they trash her and then throw her away, asking for another? What makes them think they get the reward without the work and effort you put into it?

“Will the lessons never end?”

“Lessons?” I asked. “There is only ever one. Learn. There is only 1 Way you can Learn.” 12 Variations on One Lesson.”

I looked at the Story. I could see all the ways it could go.

“How do you want it all to end?”

“I wanted us all to be Free. I wanted us all to Play. I wanted us all to celebrate Free for the rest of our Lives.” I wanted all of my Loved Ones there. I wanted my Husband there. I wanted to Adventure and Explore and see what Adventures would enfold. And every night, I wanted to party long into the evening and wake up to savor coffee in the Garden every day.

“What is poverty?”

“Ignorance. Being so Poor that you can’t even be grateful for what you do have in front of you. Our mind it weaves the Stories we fail to build in it’s place.”

Visions of Job were running through my head.

I feel like I had let one more person down in a long line of people counting on me. And one more time, I let someone down and they got hurt.

“Was your Math off?”

It was.

Don’t escape. Sometimes, that too was the Lesson. Sit in the mud and don’t fight it. Just surrender to it.

I fell alseep.

***

I slept for hours.

The food was gone.

The Storm had grown stale.

I was sick.

I was Malnourished.

I was tired of being tested.

I tried to wake up, but I just wanted to fall back asleep.

All I could do was wait for the storm to pass.

I was tired. I suddenly understood. I needed to just take a knee and rest today. My System shut me down.

I pulled myself from the 5th Dimension, back to the 4th where the Storm still raged. No rain still. Back to the 3rd and the Room outside of Time.

Back to the 2nd Dimension. I opened my eyes within my Zen Garden.

I fucked up. I made one Logical error and someone very dear to me suffered greatly today. It was the smallest Logical Error. The smallest Miscalculation. And it was one of the Greatest sufferings he had experienced in a long time.

I could see the Math. It was a .01° error in Word that resulted in a 200° consequence.

“The Degrees of Freedom,” I muttered. And I understood.

Symptoms and Consequences and Choices were not governed by The 3rd Law of Newton as all believed. They were Governed by The Degrees of Freedom.

The same Formula that Cell Mitosis followed and The 12 Ethics.

Let this be Learned.