Hi.

I missed you suddenly so much. And I thought maybe writing would help. I have been writing all day and Networking. These last few hours I’ve been sketching out my Game that I’m integrating into my Book/Newsletter and I felt the excitement come back. I haven’t played since… Since you and I played. And I suddenly felt sad. And I missed you quite deeply. I miss playing with you.

It was the Adventures and the Stories with you. And the silliness and the unexpected… And it just all hit me at once. And…

I haven’t felt playful at all in nearly two years. And it all just came back to me. It feels like you’ve died. And I’m grieving a dead spouse. Only, I get to still write to you. And it hurts so much to feel playful again and not have you here. And I’m trying to “go on” and still live on without you, but this hurts so much. But I also can’t not live. And it hurts to feel this part of me again because it reminds me so much of you.

And I think, maybe I’ll get used to playing again. And then maybe, one day, it just won’t hurt so much. And then maybe it won’t hurt at all. Maybe even, I’ll find someone to play with me again in the Meta Plane.

I never thought playing would hurt so much. It had been my favorite thing to do with you. But, near the end, it felt like you and I both had forgotten how to play. And when we tried, it just felt forced and fake. Like we were trying to get back something we had lost. It felt like that. Like you were trying to “squeeze” as much of our “old times” into a few hours as you could. Like you were desperate to get it all back or have it all again like you were indulging on us as much as you could while you could.

But today, I learned that “Play” is something a person can only have when they are healthy. Which is why so many adults stop playing. And why so many children stop playing. You were the only person who knew how to play with me. And I miss that so much with you.

It’s a good sign that my play is back. And I’ll get through this… But I don’t want this without you. I don’t want this kingdom or realm without you. Every time I think I’m finally “over you” something always comes up to show me just how absolutely not “over you” I am. And then I fall back right in love with you all over again.

I can’t go on without you and I don’t believe I am supposed to! I don’t! It doesn’t feel right! It doesn’t feel good! And I can’t not live, but also…

Do you ever feel like all the games in all the world are too… easy? And you are never really challenged by them anymore? And the hardest part of life is learning only how to play the game? But once you know how to play the game, it’s boring and you’re ready to go on to something else?

So you end up jumping and living from game to game… but everything feels way too easy and simple? And you’re wanting something so much more than anything Hasbro can give you?

Do you ever feel like that?

I am going to have a Make-Believe Event where the whole event is a Game. And we’re going to host those once a month all over the world. And I’ll have clues riddled throughout the Events that people will have to collect to solve the next part of their Game.

I’m opening up the next part of my Dreams. I can feel it. I’m excited.

I only feel pain when I miss you or when I think I have to “go on” without you. And then when I learn that I don’t. And I realize…

My King. I don’t know what you’re going through. I don’t know.

If you’re going through a hard time, then I’m here with you through it.

And if you’re struggling and it’s hard for you just to do anything, then I’m here with you through it.

And if you’re feeling anything bad or not good about yourself or your life, then I’m here with you through it.

And all I know is that my job and my purpose is to sit here with you through this so that — whatever it is you are going through — you never again ever have to go through it alone.

And THAT is what feels Good to me. It is what feels RIGHT to me. And it is what gives me joy.

Knowing that if you’re not doing okay, you’re at least not going through it alone.

I love you.

Anna