I spent the day there in my pool.

Thinking.

I Reverse Engineer Fear. That is how I do it. that is how I do all of my Psychology Work and Shadow Work. I Reverse Engineer Fear. I was terrified of my Spiritual Side. I didn’t want to be “Froo-Froo” or a Flake again. I was Ludus. I didn’t want to be discredited.

I didn’t want to be…

I was terrified of my own Spirituality because…

I was afraid my Imp King would not love me or choose me.

I was afraid my I would be raped again by the Spiritualists who raped me.

I was afraid I would be called insane again by the Non-Spiritualists.

I didn’t want to lose Control again.

I didn’t want…

I’m afraid if I don’t my shit together… I’ll lose Credibility. I’ll… I can’t raise funds and…

I knew that was bull shit.

I couldn’t Play and be Me and also hold back. I couldn’t step into my Playground and also not…

I was Sunshine Imagination Adventures. I did that for… a year. I would drive to Manhattan. Park my car and Backpack through Manhattan for four days. I survived on my Whim and Wishes. I lived on $150/trip.

I was up to 2020 and 2021. I was up to 2022 and 2023.

I knew what this really was.

I stood from the cave floor and brushed the tears away.

In 2015, I began Reverse Engineering all of my Trauma from 2015 back to 1980 then back again to 2015… And in 2025, I finally am at 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023, and 2024.

I have 5 Years left. I have gone full circle. After this, I’ll have Integrated all of my Life into One. I will be Integrated on every level… But I have to make Peace with the last five years.

“I’m a hermaphrodite.” That was 2020.

2021. I was so Free. I was Free.

And then…

I had no home. I wanted… everything I now had.

I think… It was time to take myself off of the Science. I needed to stop being a Subject for Science Study. I was Human — kind of. I needed to be Human again.

I needed to put down the Math. I needed to put down the Science and just…

I had enough data. I needed to walk away from the Math and be Human.

I always used Math to save myself. I always used Logic to save myself. If I was smart, then I was safe. being Stupid always led to my own suffering. But I was safe now to be… not so smart. I could put down the Science and be safe now. I had Friends.

I had Family and Kin.

I was finally in a place where I could put it all down and…

I was stupid. My own Stupid had attracted the Stupid of others. And that was dangerous. So I got smart to raised the Standard. But it never was good enough. I passed through all the layers of Stupid… As I travelled, people got smarter and smarter. And so did I.

I got so smart, that all the Stupid went away.

Now, only Geniuses surrounded me. Ethical People surrounded me. I hadn’t put down the books in… 2020 to 2023. That is when I put down the books. And I was raped twice in that time period and lost everything.

Could I put the books down again?

“I’m going back to weed,” I texted the Imp King. “I’m going to try playing again and I’m going to relax again. I’m going back to my Sunshine Imagination Adventures. I’m smart enough now and safe enough now… I made it. I got to where I’ve been trying to get to. I’m home.

“I can stop fighting now. So I’m going back to being me again with my Weed and my Sunshine Imagination… And my wines. I’m smarter now and I’m surrounded by good people. I can play games again and be Free. And I’ve surrounded myself with healthy, good people who I call Kin and Clan.

I’m taking myself off of my Science trials and am ending my research. The Math is just repetitive at the point — as math always is when it’s correct. So I can finally put it all down and just… Play again. Human Beings were never meant to work. It kills us.”

I was Satan’s Wife. I belong to The Road.

I belong to Adventure.

Once, the Road it called me. Now, the Road is home.

I live where the Adventure calls.

I’ve lived a life on Hell. I’ve earned the Life of Heaven.

I was the Whore of Monsters once.

Now I’m the God of all.

I go where I want and I leave when I want.

And everywhere I go, I’m loved.

Everywhere is Home.

The World is my Home.

Such a different poem than this first time I wrote it.

I am going back to Weed.

I am going back to my occasional glass of wine.

I have much to celebrate. And I’m done Grieving. This time, I was ready to relax and I knew I would not fall back into Hell, for I was no longer living on in a bunker. I was safe enough to drop my Guard. I was safe enough to shrug off my Shields.

I was safe enough to strip my clothes.

I stretched just then, reaching to the sky in my nudity.

I was remembering.

I was a treasure and a gem. My Nymph was back again.

People think “healed” means you have to be free and relaxed like this, but it doesn’t. When you live in a War Zone all of your live, “healed” means you can have shit happen to you, and you don’t let it fuck you up.

We’re taught that “healed” means “stupid.” That we strip the armor while we deny the War around us. And we don’t bother getting our stupid asses out of the War.

But I was The Queen of The Darkness. I knew better. I knew that you don’t let the shit that happens to you fuck you up because you have got to keep your head about you because you still are in the War Zone. And you can’t “relax” and strip your armor until you KNOW that you are out of the War Zone.

But the people who grow up in War Zones… They don’t know what “Friend” is or what it looks like. They don’t know what “Love” is or what it looks like. They don’t know what Family or Home is.

It’s the Disorientation from the Consumption. But I was The Queen of The Darkness.

I ran my hands over my body, and I danced. I moved. I breathed long and deep and sighed.

I danced my way into the Waterfall and welcomed the water over my body. I pushed back my hair and welcomed the Me that was coming through.

I knew, I would get out. And the Moment I found Friend and Friendly Stranger I could finally See Liar and Enemy Stranger from Friend and Friendly Stranger. And just like that, I was Safe enough to be Free. All I wanted was my Adventures. My Freedom and Safety. My Dreams. I wanted my World. I wanted those who Valued my world to find it and make it their own.

I wanted those who Valued my World to make it their own.

I was building a Community and a Society of Sunshine Imagination Adventures. And I was inviting all and any who wanted it to join me.

I stepped from the Waterfall and thought.

My Spirituality.

I would embrace my Spirituality. I would embrace my —

My power surged. I through my head back and it flowed. It flowed as it did back on 10 May 2023. I know now — this whole time — Nearly 18 Months — I had stifled it, shut it down and blocked it on purpose.

All the work I had done… I had done it with only 10% or less of Energy in the Tank. I wasn’t cerebral. I had just denied myself all of my Energy. I blamed my Energy for my rape that night.

I had wanted friends so badly, that I ignored all the red flags my Logic warned me about. My Logic warned me — and my Love led me right into the Den.

My Spirituality made them desire me. My Energy and my Ludus — My Sunshine Imagination Adventures… It made them desire me. And they raped me because of it.

No. They raped me because they are Rapists. They never need an Excuse. That is why they are Rapists.

He gave me three or four tabs of molly in my shot glass that night. I was so high and trusting that I ignored my first rule. Never drink from a glass you didn’t see get poured. And then…I saw the amount of white sediment at the bottom of the glass. It tasted funny and hit me harder than any whiskey.

We all have fruits of The Self. Never let anyone have your Fruits who hasn’t earned them.

They have to first hear your Story. They have to pass The Circle of Trust. Then they have to pass the Trial of the 6th, 7th, 8th, and 9th Ethic. And then they have to go through the Stages of Intimacy with you. And they have to do all of that without a Single Red Flag being set off.

And if they set off a single Red Flag in that process, they are Liars, Thieves, Cheaters, or Rapists. Or too Mentally Ill to even know how not to behave like a Liar, a thief, a Cheater, or a Rapist.

They’re dangerous. That’s really all that counts. Not safe enough to allow closer than a passer by.

The thing is, when you’re around the right people — The right people for you — its so easy finding the people who can pass The Friendship Trials. And if you can’t it’s because YOU are in the wrong place and you’re not at all doing things right with your life.

So there it was.

I had The Friendship Formula.

I was safe.

Safe enough to finally open my heart and let my Spirituality flow through me like a river.